To My Abusers:
This letter is addressed to some of you whom I once counted among my family, partners, and friends. As a child, I was raised by you from the day I was born; and as an adult, I was your wife, your lover, or your friend. For most of my life, I knew few close relationships with people who were not like you. Life with you was what I knew as "normal", and I had little chance for objective comparisons, so that I could fully understand or realize that your treatment of me was anything but normal or acceptable. But slowly, painfully, throughout many years of difficulty, I learned that all of my hope, faith and love for you was not sufficient for you to be willing to change or evolve into compassionate, caring human beings. I share these words knowing it is neither probable you will ever read this letter, nor likely you would own accountability, feel remorse or be compelled to make amends for the pain and devastation you've caused in my life, or in the lives of others, as a result of reading what I have chosen to write. Thus, while this letter is addressed to you, it is not meant for your benefit.
In fact, I write knowing that no attempt I make to communicate to you my struggles or pain, wrought by your behavior, will change what you have done ... or would do to me still, if I had allowed you to continue. I know this because I tried many times before to tell you how you hurt me, and why you needed to stop, but I failed as many times as I tried to get through to you. I tried because I loved you, and because you proclaimed love for me. I tried because I wanted to believe your words and trust in your promises; but your actions belied your claims over and over again, and my pleas went unheeded. Your words of love for me were lies, because your definition of "love" translated as physical, emotional or sexual abuse. You assaulted me. You used me. You lied to me, about me, or otherwise knowingly deceived me. You cheated me, and cheated on me. You criticized and humiliated me. You claimed my love and generosity as yours, without giving to me of yourselves in like kind. You stole from me that which you did not earn, and you asked from me what you weren't willing to give or do for me in return. For any or all of these reasons, I offer no gratitude to you within the context of this letter. Instead, I write about what you have taught me, and what I have learned from you.
For there is a profound lesson to be learned, in realizing that those who would do the things you have done to hurt me did not respect my feelings or value my humanity, even while I continued to value yours. A psychologist might diagnose your behaviors with me as indicative of Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder (e.g. a "sociopath") ... or a combination of these two. But I am not a psychologist, and I cannot diagnose you; I can only speak from my experiences as your victim. I can only speak from my pain, and from my eventual recognition that, regardless of the underlying reasons for your victimization of me, you knew what you were doing ... even as you were doing it. In fact, I came to realize that you believe I, and countless others who you've victimized, are emotionally "weak" in some way that at first appealed to your predatory instincts, yet eventually caused you immense discomfort, irritation, anger, or rage. You even leveraged this belief to convince yourself and others that you were "my" victim, that I was somehow "overly-dramatic", "crazy" or abusive to "you" ... because of my responses to your behavior towards me. And you showed me how you could use this rationale to justify or otherwise dismiss your abusive, self-serving behaviors in such a way that you would think little if anything of the damage you wrought for me before I dismissed you from my life. Even afterwards, you taught me that you still considered me a possession, a tool for your use, or a child to be punished for daring to reject and walk away from the pain you caused me. You used and abused me without remorse, because you are human predators: lacking empathy or guilt for your actions. Thus, I know this letter will not move you, nor is it intended to.
Having finally learned that my words and my pain could not and will never move you, I have moved myself away from you and out of your path of destruction. You are no longer a part of my life; because while I loved you, trusted you, cared for or supported you ... in some cases for many years ... I came to realize you cared for and served only your own selfish interests. With deep sadness, I have learned that I loved only the persons you wanted me to believe you were, and not the loveless strangers I discovered concealed beneath your elaborate facades. In truth, you are incomplete beings, whose only measure of self-worth depends upon the ability to usurp what you value in me and others you prey upon. Your "love" for me could only be defined in terms of "possession." While I understand now that your inability to feel love and empathy for others may have been a result of genetic heredity or previous abuse in your own life, I cannot now afford the luxury of sympathy for you, because you manipulated my sympathy to continue your abuse of me. And despite all of the pain and devastation you have caused for me, few of you have ever apologized to me. Those of you who have actually uttered to me the words, "I'm sorry", did so only after I dismissed you from my life for what you had done; only after you realized you had nothing left to grasp at. And yet, it is clear to me you were sorry only that you were caught in your acts of deceit and destruction; only sorry that you had lost your hold on a "possession" and were left trying to find a way to regain your perceived advantage over me. As such, I know that your words of apology were empty and utterly without concern or meaning, unaccompanied by any attempt to make amends. Therefore, you have not earned my forgiveness, and this letter is not meant to offer this to you.
Instead, this letter is meant for me, for my children, and for all of my sisters and brothers of Humanity who, like me, have suffered at your hands, or at the hands of others like you. This is a letter of healing and forgiveness for myself, for having been blind, needy and vulnerable to your abuse; for believing your lies for too long, even after realizing your words belied your actions towards me; for loving and trusting you even while seeking the reasons for your relative disregard, and even deep-seated contempt, for me. It serves as my bridge to hope over the stagnant waters of despair; to heal my injured spine, broken heart, depression, fear-borne anxiety, and damaged self-esteem ... all resulting from giving far more of myself to you than you ever had a right to take. Nothing I could write would change the fact that your lies and abuse created deep wounds in my heart, leaving jagged scars upon my psyche. And nothing I could write would change the fact that you are incapable of truly loving or caring for me, or for anyone else. Without a reason to hope for you to change, this letter offers nothing to you that you would understand or value.
But for me, this letter represents my proclamation of freedom from you. I am no longer your victim. I am a survivor who now brandishes my words as weapons to slay your dragons of destruction; dousing the flames of fire they once breathed upon my soul, searing it with pain. These are words of recognition that, while you may be doomed to unfulfilled lives of dissatisfaction, anger, and distorted perceptions, I no longer have to accept your realities as my own sentence of pain and fear. While you remain trapped and struggling in your own webs of deceit, I have cut myself loose from your snares with the sword of truth. While you are unlikely to ever feel or share true love or joy with another human being, I am free to seek anew the peace and happiness I know I am able to claim. While you have lost your hearts and souls to a lifetime of following dark paths to bitter ends, I have gained clarity of vision, and I am moving forward with a renewed sense of hope. And finally, although I can no longer afford sympathy for you, perhaps I can one day achieve forgiveness for you, in your inability to escape the darkness of your unconsciousness and share in the great gifts of compassion and human connectedness.
Hope springs eternal,
Aurora Renata
This letter is addressed to some of you whom I once counted among my family, partners, and friends. As a child, I was raised by you from the day I was born; and as an adult, I was your wife, your lover, or your friend. For most of my life, I knew few close relationships with people who were not like you. Life with you was what I knew as "normal", and I had little chance for objective comparisons, so that I could fully understand or realize that your treatment of me was anything but normal or acceptable. But slowly, painfully, throughout many years of difficulty, I learned that all of my hope, faith and love for you was not sufficient for you to be willing to change or evolve into compassionate, caring human beings. I share these words knowing it is neither probable you will ever read this letter, nor likely you would own accountability, feel remorse or be compelled to make amends for the pain and devastation you've caused in my life, or in the lives of others, as a result of reading what I have chosen to write. Thus, while this letter is addressed to you, it is not meant for your benefit.
In fact, I write knowing that no attempt I make to communicate to you my struggles or pain, wrought by your behavior, will change what you have done ... or would do to me still, if I had allowed you to continue. I know this because I tried many times before to tell you how you hurt me, and why you needed to stop, but I failed as many times as I tried to get through to you. I tried because I loved you, and because you proclaimed love for me. I tried because I wanted to believe your words and trust in your promises; but your actions belied your claims over and over again, and my pleas went unheeded. Your words of love for me were lies, because your definition of "love" translated as physical, emotional or sexual abuse. You assaulted me. You used me. You lied to me, about me, or otherwise knowingly deceived me. You cheated me, and cheated on me. You criticized and humiliated me. You claimed my love and generosity as yours, without giving to me of yourselves in like kind. You stole from me that which you did not earn, and you asked from me what you weren't willing to give or do for me in return. For any or all of these reasons, I offer no gratitude to you within the context of this letter. Instead, I write about what you have taught me, and what I have learned from you.
For there is a profound lesson to be learned, in realizing that those who would do the things you have done to hurt me did not respect my feelings or value my humanity, even while I continued to value yours. A psychologist might diagnose your behaviors with me as indicative of Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder (e.g. a "sociopath") ... or a combination of these two. But I am not a psychologist, and I cannot diagnose you; I can only speak from my experiences as your victim. I can only speak from my pain, and from my eventual recognition that, regardless of the underlying reasons for your victimization of me, you knew what you were doing ... even as you were doing it. In fact, I came to realize that you believe I, and countless others who you've victimized, are emotionally "weak" in some way that at first appealed to your predatory instincts, yet eventually caused you immense discomfort, irritation, anger, or rage. You even leveraged this belief to convince yourself and others that you were "my" victim, that I was somehow "overly-dramatic", "crazy" or abusive to "you" ... because of my responses to your behavior towards me. And you showed me how you could use this rationale to justify or otherwise dismiss your abusive, self-serving behaviors in such a way that you would think little if anything of the damage you wrought for me before I dismissed you from my life. Even afterwards, you taught me that you still considered me a possession, a tool for your use, or a child to be punished for daring to reject and walk away from the pain you caused me. You used and abused me without remorse, because you are human predators: lacking empathy or guilt for your actions. Thus, I know this letter will not move you, nor is it intended to.
Having finally learned that my words and my pain could not and will never move you, I have moved myself away from you and out of your path of destruction. You are no longer a part of my life; because while I loved you, trusted you, cared for or supported you ... in some cases for many years ... I came to realize you cared for and served only your own selfish interests. With deep sadness, I have learned that I loved only the persons you wanted me to believe you were, and not the loveless strangers I discovered concealed beneath your elaborate facades. In truth, you are incomplete beings, whose only measure of self-worth depends upon the ability to usurp what you value in me and others you prey upon. Your "love" for me could only be defined in terms of "possession." While I understand now that your inability to feel love and empathy for others may have been a result of genetic heredity or previous abuse in your own life, I cannot now afford the luxury of sympathy for you, because you manipulated my sympathy to continue your abuse of me. And despite all of the pain and devastation you have caused for me, few of you have ever apologized to me. Those of you who have actually uttered to me the words, "I'm sorry", did so only after I dismissed you from my life for what you had done; only after you realized you had nothing left to grasp at. And yet, it is clear to me you were sorry only that you were caught in your acts of deceit and destruction; only sorry that you had lost your hold on a "possession" and were left trying to find a way to regain your perceived advantage over me. As such, I know that your words of apology were empty and utterly without concern or meaning, unaccompanied by any attempt to make amends. Therefore, you have not earned my forgiveness, and this letter is not meant to offer this to you.
Instead, this letter is meant for me, for my children, and for all of my sisters and brothers of Humanity who, like me, have suffered at your hands, or at the hands of others like you. This is a letter of healing and forgiveness for myself, for having been blind, needy and vulnerable to your abuse; for believing your lies for too long, even after realizing your words belied your actions towards me; for loving and trusting you even while seeking the reasons for your relative disregard, and even deep-seated contempt, for me. It serves as my bridge to hope over the stagnant waters of despair; to heal my injured spine, broken heart, depression, fear-borne anxiety, and damaged self-esteem ... all resulting from giving far more of myself to you than you ever had a right to take. Nothing I could write would change the fact that your lies and abuse created deep wounds in my heart, leaving jagged scars upon my psyche. And nothing I could write would change the fact that you are incapable of truly loving or caring for me, or for anyone else. Without a reason to hope for you to change, this letter offers nothing to you that you would understand or value.
But for me, this letter represents my proclamation of freedom from you. I am no longer your victim. I am a survivor who now brandishes my words as weapons to slay your dragons of destruction; dousing the flames of fire they once breathed upon my soul, searing it with pain. These are words of recognition that, while you may be doomed to unfulfilled lives of dissatisfaction, anger, and distorted perceptions, I no longer have to accept your realities as my own sentence of pain and fear. While you remain trapped and struggling in your own webs of deceit, I have cut myself loose from your snares with the sword of truth. While you are unlikely to ever feel or share true love or joy with another human being, I am free to seek anew the peace and happiness I know I am able to claim. While you have lost your hearts and souls to a lifetime of following dark paths to bitter ends, I have gained clarity of vision, and I am moving forward with a renewed sense of hope. And finally, although I can no longer afford sympathy for you, perhaps I can one day achieve forgiveness for you, in your inability to escape the darkness of your unconsciousness and share in the great gifts of compassion and human connectedness.
Hope springs eternal,
Aurora Renata
